Self-conscious musings

So, I am reading this Sunday newspaper supplement last weekend...you know the one that tells you all about what should be cool and what you should avoid, and I discover to my dismay that big men are back in fashion. That's a shock! For years now my slim, half starved figure has been in vogue, with skinny guys bursting from the fashion magazines and catwalks out into the streets, and now, sigh, it’s all about the muscle.

But where have the big men been hiding while the puny among us have been relishing our coolness? Do they lie in darkened rooms with nothing but a barbell and a protein shake for company? Do they, rather like the tartan trouser of yesteryear, lie in wait for their time once again (and yes you know, the time will come when you will see tartan trousers in the shop and ponder their purchase once more)? Suddenly, it seems big men are everywhere, set free from their isolation to once again be in fashion. Is it time for me to put myself in mothballs then? Hmmm, or maybe its time to actually do some work....

....I got my training program only yesterday. I am a formulaic, safe gym user. I choose activities that I think won't show me up to be the weakling I am. But I love the feeling of a proper workout. My program uses a gym ball, something round, squashy and unsteady, upon which I am supposed to do press ups. Cue my first challenge. How to do these and still look cool? How to look like I have been doing these for years? My strategy: Go to the gym on a Friday night when everyone else will be elsewhere having a life. The result: I blame the pages of aforementioned Sunday supplement for ensuring that the big men are out in force enjoying their fashionable status, and parading like cockerels around the gym. How am I supposed to do star jumps in front of them? I try one, heads turn slightly, I swear I see a grin breaking out on a tight muscled face. I stop. Just stretching I think to myself, dying to say it aloud as if to justify my sudden intense, and rather camp movement. The thing is, if a big man had done a star jump, well that would have been cool. Why is it that the movements of skinny men just look like they were not meant to happen?